Quotes - Season 2
Normal Is the Watchword
Wallace: You think it's a conspiracy?
Veronica: This is Neptune. Nothing happens accidentally
Veronica: Got any enemies you know about?
Wallace: Well, there's the Klan.
Veronica: This isn't really their M.O.
Wallace: Well, then I guess that leaves everybody that hates you
Keith: So, senior year. How was your first day at school honey?
Veronica: Great! I beat up a freshman, stole his lunch money and then skipped out after lunch.
Keith: What, no pre-marital sex?
Veronica: Oh, yea... yes. But don't worry dad, I swear you're gonna like these guys.
Keith: That's my girl
Wallace: [after failing a drug test] Yeah, mon. Maybe I smoked so much ganja, I don't even remember doing it.
Veronica: What if you did ingest an illegal substance, but it was such a mild dose that you weren't even aware of it? Eat any mystery brownies lately?
Wallace: Spirit boxes! The day of the back to school athletic banquet, there were spirit boxes in our lockers. There weren't any brownies in there, but there were cookies.
Veronica: Did you eat one?
Wallace: I ate six.
Veronica: That's my Wallace.
Veronica: [making out with Logan] My dad is probably watching us through a telescope.
Logan: He's probably impressed with your virtue.
Veronica: [laughs] And the telescope is mounted on a rifle.
Logan: [Pauses, then looks up to where Keith is supposedly watching, with rifle, and holds up his hand, fingers spread] Five more minutes. [Veronica giggles] He should feel lucky. I mean, you could be out here with some pretty boy jerk just looking to get laid.
Veronica: Wait, what are you saying? You aren't pretty?
Logan: What I'm trying to say is that I'm in love with you.
Veronica: The things guys'll say to get past second base.
Driver Ed
Logan: Afternoon delight? Ooh, considerably better than fifth period English |
Big Dick: When I'm working, my family doesn't exist. Sound awful? |
Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang
Sacks: Sheriff wants to ask you some questions.
Veronica My answer was final. I will not go to prom with him.
Lamb: So, I guess you know why you're here. You want to tell me about it?
Veronica: Okay. [exhales deeply] I confess. [pounds fist] God, you're good! I have no idea why I'm here. But I'm sure my Dad was interested to know why you hauled his daughter in and subjected her to the crime-busting stare for no apparent reason.
Lamb: He didn't need to know that you were here. You're eighteen now, kiddo. You're an adult.
Veronica: Well, that makes one of us. So are you gonna tell me why I'm here, or should I just sit back and enjoy your impression of a mildly-constipated David Caruso?
Lamb: What can you tell me about your relationship with this man? [slides a folder of photos to her]
Veronica: Ah, yes. I remember that summer. He was a roadie for Whitesnake. I was singing backup for Boyz II Men. They said it would never work, but -
Lamb: I'm glad that you find this amusing.
Green-Eyed Monster
Veronica: My Dad spend the night at your place? |
Weevil: Yo, Martha. I heard you took a ride downtown behind the 187. So did you flop for the cops or did the local Wapner hook you up with some ankle bling? |
Blast from the Past
Mr. Wu: Homecoming season is upon us...
Veronica: Much like the plague
Veronica: It sounds like you don't need a photographer from the "Neptune Navigator" who knows how to shoot your good side.
Keith: I got nothing but good sides, baby.
Veronica: It's weird that you live here. I don't want you going all 'Howard Hughes-y' on me.
Duncan: I am not a shut-in. These nails? Neatly trimmed. Though, now that you mention it, I have started bottling my own urine.
Veronica: Ew.
Veronica: [to Duncan] You're here for your looks. Why don't you leave the heavy thinking to me, sugarpants? Now go make yourself pretty.
Veronica: [answers phone] Chesty LaRue. Hey, Duncan. I'm fine. I'm slathering up my boobs as we speak.
Rat Saw God
Dick: Dude. My stepmom?
Logan: I am a total piece of crap.
Dick: Better you than the cable guy, I guess. And I'd be lying to say if I've never perved on your mom while she was prancin' around the pool in that hardly there bikini of hers.
Logan: Great. So...no hard feelings?
Dick: No, she gave me a few
Sacks: Sheriff would like to have a word with you.
Logan: And I'd like to be the cream filling of an Olsen twins sandwich, but...
Sacks: Will you come with me, please?
Logan: If I'm under arrest, then do me the courtesy of making it all official like. [Sacks cuffs Logan.] Now that's more like it.
Sacks: You're under arrest for the murder of Felix Toombs.
Logan: Ooh, I am having the weirdest déjà vu.
[Logan is picked out of a police lineup.]
Officer: Number four, step forward.
Logan: Oh wow, I'm stunned. You like me! You really like me! Well first, I'd just like to say the other, uh, nominees are all such wonderfully gifted criminals. And I wanna thank my agent and my publicist for always shooting me from the left side.
Logan: So, my tax dollars at work. Where were you? Getting thirds at the Crazy Girls lunch buffet?
Cliff: Actually, they discontinued the buffet. Some health code thing. Okay, my name is Cliff, I'll be your 'if-you-cannot-afford-an-attorney' attorney. So. What are you trying to prove?
Logan: Um...my innocence?
Cliff: No. I mean with this 'poor little rich boy' stunt. Having me represent you doesn't make you look innocent. It makes you look like an arrogant jackass. If the witness' story holds, you are going to trial.
Logan: Hmm. The guy's lying.
Cliff: June 27th: you gave testimony saying that you couldn't remember a thing. Now, he comes forward saying he saw you, bloody knife in hand, ranting like a maniac over a dead body.
Logan: And what exactly did I say, huh?
Cliff: "The [expletive] [racial expletive] had it [maternal expletive] coming.
Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner
Logan: Seriously, though. I was reading 'The Third Wheel: A Beginner's Guide,' and we should come up with, like, some kind of codeword for when you guys are feeling frisky and don't want to be disturbed.
Veronica: Like "scram"?
Logan: I was thinking..."awkward." But scram is good. Or "amscray." [Opens the door to see Kendall] You're not my grilled cheese.
Kendall: No. [Notices Veronica and Duncan sitting on the couch] iPod girl. With the waxy-eared boyfriend. Small world.
Veronica: Like this big. [gestures with her thumb and finger]
Logan: My codeword will be..."endurance.
Mrs. Hauser: All right, people, pair up. You each have a piece of paper with an STD on it. You have to inform your partner that you have said STD.
Veronica: All right, Gia, we can be partners, but no glove, no love.
Dick: Yeah, let's get the dried-up divorcée to teach us about sex.
Gia: I heard her husband left her for a man.
Dick: And now we get bitchy and bitter for a year.
Gia: Mrs. Hauser, mine's wrong. Isn't this a flower?
Mrs. Hauser: No, Gia. Chlamydia is not a flower.
Gia: Well, we have it on, like, a trellis at our beach house.
Veronica: Your trellis is a whore
Keith: When you leave a sleepover early, I'm supposed to put a trench coat over my pajamas and come pick you up.Veronica: Sorry. I drive now. And I'm not 9.
Keith: You'll always be 9 to me. Going on 30. [notices smell and starts sniffing Veronica's jacket
Veronica: Whoa, you two need to be alone?
Keith: I know we had the smoking talking somewhere between the birds and the bees and the drinking and driving.
Veronica: Actually I think it was more of a sentence - "don't smoke" - and it was between "The Adventures of Pooh" and "Good Night, Moon."
Keith: [holds out jacket] 'Splain
Ahoy, Mateys!
Logan: Didn't your dad say that the cigar store's a front for drug dealers? I mean, that's gotta be something.
Veronica: Or not. Sometimes a cigar store is just a cigar store.
Logan: Well, I'll remember to be quippy when you're looking at 20 to life.
Veronica: Oh, you're being a jackass. It must be an even-numbered day. I do so prefer the odd-numbered days when you're kissing my ass for a favor.
Logan: Well, you find out why this plastic surgeon is trying to get me sent away for killing Felix and I will make sure that all even-numbered days are removed from the calendar.
Veronica: What's this four-week gap here?
Mac: Oh, they went on a little sabbatical.
Veronica: Do you know why?
Mac: I suspect to torture me. Then they came back, and Cap'n Krunk wasn't on anymore and it blew, so I stopped listening.
Veronica: The show's still on?
Mac: A bastardized subpar version of the show is still on.
Veronica: Any way to find out where they're broadcasting from?
Mac: Yes. [she doesn't continue and Veronica gives a look] Sorry, I was just seeing how long we could have a conversation with your side only being questions. [Veronica scoffs] We can track the signal.
Veronica: I'd be interested to know if you have the capabilities to track said signal. [both laugh]
Mac: Look, I'm happy to be the "Q" to your Bond, but crime pays. Technologically assisted mystery solving costs. If you wanna play "Find the Crappy Radio Broadcast," Mama's gonna need a few things from Radio Shack
Logan: Any news on Nip/Schmuck?
Veronica: It's pretty clear, isn't it? Our favorite plastic surgeon, for whatever reason, seems to be owned by the Fighting Fitzpatricks.
Logan: Well, as far as I know, I've done nothing to get their Irish up.
Veronica: And I'm working on the connections, okay?
Logan: If you could exonerate me sometime soon, that'd be great. I really don't want bottom bunk in Fisty McRapesalot's cell.
Veronica: If you want a top, I'm sure it's negotiable.
Logan: Help me, Mars-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.